my cracked polystyrene world

this year has been an awful year for me. although, i have to admit that there had been some amazing amazing events, but… yeah… it sucks.

remember how last year my bday wish came true? i asked for a bf and i actually got one? well this year i lost that guy. it was like a bday gift from heyll!!! payne-full indeed. i mean… i gave up alotta things just to be with him, thinking that i wouldntve needed those things anymore coz i had him. see how idiot i was? am? have been? and i thought i was nice to him and i thought being that nice would be just enough to keep a guy. ok, you can call me idiot again. go ahead. well, this whole shitty shit shit left a huge scar on my heart and for months and months after that it still didnt heal.

if thats not painfull enough… some weeks ago i got some info that he had been cheating on me since day one, onward! the person telling me the info saw the… err… affair? the… ya know, the thingy that this person saw… [ i dont wanna go into details coz it wouldnt be fair for any of them.] with his own eyes. and he didnt tell me about it because he didnt wanna hurt me because he knew that the guy, who was his friend too, was my bf. duh! and before he told me all about it he asked me whether i was totally completely over with that bf of mine and i said yes and then he told me. but still, i was hurt. id always known that i wasnt the only one but i didnt wanna really see the truth. know what i mean? oh oh, remember that huge scar i mentioned before? it hadnt healed, it just got seasoned with a twist of lemon. yummy? i think not.

*sighs*

after the two aforementioned episodes of my life i thought i would never ever ever feel any pain greater than that. ok, all together now! [audience chanting] "but you were wrong…." yup. i was wrong. because just a week after that lemon twist thingy, i got another scar on my heart. huger that the huge scar. this time it was a deep cut across the scar. so deep that i dunno if it will ever heal. the pain was… IS like tenfold. twentyfold even. or more, iono. my mom, my bestest friend passed away. she’d been seriously ill for the last one year. and things got extremely worst during her last 3 months. she’d been a very strong woman all her life, but i guess she ran out of strength. and i wasnt there to give her some of mine. and He said that it was her time to go, so it was her time to go.

all my life i was very very close to my mom. but during her last 3 months we werent as close as we had been before to each other. i thought that i had lost my bestfriend, that she had left me. but that wasnt the fact. the fact was, i left her! i walked away from her. i stopped being her bestfriend right when she needed me. and its not the first time that i did such thing. i did it to ita too. [different case, same attitude] i have nothing to be proud of. ya’ll can throw sumtin at me now. go on.

*sighs*

i do believe in yin and yang. all bad things would be balanced by good things. and the good things that happened this year are….

1. ita has such a huge heart that we hangout again now

2. i was reminded that bee did all that cos thats the way he is in the first place and ive known that since day one and im still thankful and i still love him inspite of everything [but i still want my stuff back.]

3. i keep telling myself that mom had been released from her illness and had found a better place now [i hope. and i send her prayers, now and always.]

4. reny got out of heron

5. i got a cuty gooy chubby niecy [sachio!]

6. mumu

oh, one more thing. i cant say that this is a bad thing or a good thing but,… after 3 years or avoiding eating birds [chicken and all of its nieces and cousins] i ate one again, roast chicken, just like a week ago. all credits go to my mumu. it was a pleasent surprise, coz i felt no gag, there was no puking and no dizziness. kewl huh?

yeah well anyway, thats all i have to say for now. and… sunsul!

[kle]