my cracked polystyrene world

nyokap masuk rumah sakit lagi. kali ini parah banget, sampe harus cuci darah. her kidney is like totally fucked now and there was no other way for her.

slasa malem, 20 juni 2005, mama ga bisa napas. berat katanya. trus minta masuk rumah sakit aja, tapi yang bisa pake askes. trus kita epon te tuti, untuk menta info. mom talked to her and whatnot and decided to go the next day. ke persahabatan aja kata mama. shit happened and she ended up going to persahabatan in the afternoon. tapi ampe malem ga dapet kamar, masih di igd ajah. secara dia ga bisa napas, gue coba epon ke rspad gatsu, nanya ada kamar apa ngga. lom sempet dapet info, batre abis. mo cari wartel, nyokap sendirian, terpaksa nunggu bokap balik dari beli obat. trus tante dateng, ngasih tau kalo dia dah epon dokter fritz, temennya di carolus, untuk info-in ke rspad gatsu kalo nyokap mo masuk sana. ya suds, kita ke gatsu. at 10:30-ish. sampe sana nyokap langsung dibawa ke igd, dikasih oksigen, diambil darahnya, dicatet datanya, dicek ma dokter jaga, etc. bokap jagain nyokap, gue bolakbalik nganter darah ke lab, nunggu hasil, nganter surat ke radiologi, bank darah dllst deh. kebayang ga seh, tengah malem, jam 12-an ampe jam 2-an jalan2 di lorong2 rumah sakit yang seluas kebon raya bogor, lengkap dengan koridor putih dan pohon bringin raksasanya… sendirian. ngantuk, cape, takut, mules… segala macem deh prasaan gue. klo pas jalan sendirian serem banget, tapi klo papasan ama orang lebih serem lagi secara gue ga yakin itu beneran orang apa bukan :p

kata dokter jaganya trombosit nyokap rendah banget, jadi harus transfusi darah dolo. dan ternyata di bank darah ga ada jenisnya, jadi gue musti ngambil ke pmi. untung deket. pas darah dah dtg juga ga bisa langsung dilaksanakan prosedurnya, karena harus diproses dolo. ga ngerti dah gue bagian situnya. udah gitu suhu badan nyokap tinggi, jadi musti nunggu ampe normal dulu.

hari kamis gue ga masuk kantor, karena ngurusin macem2nya aja baru kelar jam 6 pagi gituh. ya suds, terpaksa hari itu gue ijin. sekitar jam 8-an gue pulang. tidur. balik lagi ke rumah sakit siangnya sekalian bawa barang2 pesenan bokap.

nyokap dah restless banget deh pokonya. ga bisa tiduran karena sesak napas. udah pake oksigen juga ga ngaruh. jadi duduk doang dah ga bisa istirahat. makan juga susah karena setiap baru beberapa suap dah muntah lagi. katanya karena racunnya dah nyebar kemana-mana. kakinya bengkak. tangannya bengkak. paru2 dan jantung juga bengkak. karena cairan ditubuh ga bisa diolah ama ginjal dan jadinya membanjiri tubuhnya sendiri. gue mau banget seh jagain smaleman di rs, tapi gue ga enak ama orang kantor, secara kerjaan lagi banyak banget dan masih pending. jadi malem itu gue pulang. sekitar jam 2 pagi gitu deh, bokap epon, katanya nyokap menta gue dateng ke sana. i felt empty. i must’ve looked like a duck in the pond. calm on the outside but freaking out underwater. when i got there mom was… iono how to put it into words. sesak napasnya makin parah. and there was nothing we could do. the nurse wasn’t much of an assistant. the doctor took a gazillion years to come. all i did was rubbing her chest and back and tried to encourage her to hang in there. gue jadi inget waktu keracunan udang, jaman kuliah dolo. gue sempet ga bisa napas, dan kalo gue ga takut mati, i would’ve given up then and there. that’s kinda what happened to mom that day. she gathered her strength and finally made it through the night. besokannya, jumat, 23 juni 2006, nyokap masuk ruang HD (hemodialisa), istilah kedokteran untuk cuci darah, sekitar jam 8. gue dah mandi dan dah rapi mo brankat kerja dari rumah sakit. secara ga sempet pulang. tapi musti nunggu sampe mereka nanganin nyokap. akhirnya brankat ke kantor jam 8:30 dari sana.

alhamdulillah setelah HD pertama nyokap dah mulai baikan. dah bisa napas. dah bisa tiduran. dah bisa tidur. dan gue dah bisa sedikit lebih tenang. hari sabtu sore nyokap menjalani HD lagi, yang kedua. walopun setelah selesai jadi agak pusing2 dan lebih sering muntah, tapi dah bisa marah2. itu tandanya nyokap dah sembuh :p senen pagi, waktu ada kunjungan dokter, nyokap nanya dah boleh pulang pa blom, karena klo memungkinkan, medingan berobat jalan aja, lebih irit dan simple. ternyata boleh. siangnya bokap ngurus administrasinya, dan nyokap langsung boleh pulang. jadi sekarang dah di rumah. tapi tetep harus ngejalanin HD 2 kali lagi. tanggal 28 dan tanggal 1. mohon doanya yah, semoga nyokap kuat untuk ngejalanin cobaan ini. begitu juga dengan bokap yang sangat sangat sabar dan ikhlas ngurusin nyokap yang rewel.

life has been cruel to me lately, but it’s also been fair enough by giving me little happy moments like shopping for ibang’s b’day, attending the party and the slumber party afterwards. gue seneng banget karena masih ada temen2 yang nempel terus baik saat gue ketawa2, nangis2, muntah2… wahahahahahaaa… makasih yah mba gina dan eyika atas support-nya dan ketawa etiwinya, juga untuk esse dan marlboro-nya. wahahahahaaahhaaa…

[kle]

hahahahahahahahaha…… good times!

it all started on tuesday, june 13. bee broke up with me that night and my whole world came crumbling down. i had known that it was coming and still it was a huge blow for me. anyway, i met mba gina the next day, wednesday, and told her what happened. then she told ericka. and they came up with a mission to cheer me up. first, ericka took me to pisa café that night and bough me ice cream =p and then on friday, they took me to this party.

we went to mandarin hotel after work. it was actually a private party held by mandarin hotel for their corporate companies and members, but i got a special treatment called the broken hearted privileges. kinda. hahahaa…. twas total funtimes. food was everywhere. booze was everywhere too =D we ate and ate and ate. me and ericka joined this silly dance competition, but we didnt win. i was too shy and ericka was like "this aint my song". but it was all good. we cheered ourselves up with a glass of red wine. yummy… =p~

the party got hotter and wierder. and we laughed harder. as soon as i finished my wine, two guys in sombreros appeared out of nowhere with a bottle of tequila and sliced lemons and stuff. i asked for a single shot, mba gina too. ericka got one-and-a-half shot [she had had a single shot earlier, before the dance], then there was monang with a double shot, lala with a single shot and a bunch of other mandarin peeps. we cheered and gulped and the tequila was gone. hooray! tequila burned my throat. whoa! by then our laughter was like even harder. and we all danced to "terajana" and a few of other dangdut songs. and i just couldnt stop laughing.

a few songs and a few games after that, joe the host announced that there was one last competition, so if you wanna win anything, it was the last chance. and it turned out to be a drinking competition. they were looking for 4 people who could take in as much as tequila as possible. we ushered ericka to the floor. mba gina was like "dont worry, well take you home." lala joined too. then a bunch of other people. there were like 10 or 12 people on the floor and joe was still asking other guests to join. i dunno what made me, but i decided to join the competition too =p i stood next to ericka. without my shoes. and without my brain, obviously. the men in sombreros poured double shot of tequila in those tall skinny tequila glasses. each of the contestants took one glass and a sliced lemon. joe counted from 3, 2, 1 and off we go. daym! my throat, my nose and my eyes were on fire. "more?!" joe asked. "sure," i said. some contestants decided to stop. they returned to their seats. then we continued with the next glass and the next and the next. after the fourth glass i wanted to quit, but i just couldnt walk back. ericka was like, "de, im drunk. nanti jalannya gandengan ya?" i just giggled.

after the fifth glass, there were still 5 people standing, but there was no more tequila. there was no more wine. they only had beer. so they gave us a glass of not-so-cold beer and we had to drink up as fast as we could. whoever finished first, won. the beer tasted horrible, but i managed to gulp it down and come out as the third winner. dizzy dizzy dizzy. ericka and i could barely walk. after receiving our gifts, we sat down on the floor. we just laughed and laughed. we didnt know what we were laughing about, but we kept laughing. then ericka bent over and coughed, and when she lifted her head, it turned out that she wasnt coughing, she was puking. she puked on her own skirt, in mandarin hotel grand ballroom! i paused, then laughed hard. hahaahahahahahha… it was too funny. somebody from the hotel, somebody important, brought us two cups of hot tea. by then mba gina had returned and she forced us to get up and go home. i was still able to get up and walk by myself. i was even dancing =p when we got out of the building i was frantically searching for a toilet, i was about to shoot. we went in the other building, into a bar and directly into the toilet. ericka burried her head in the toilet, and i puked in the wash basin. major mistake! flood! not a good sight.after that, it got worst.

i made friends with the bathroom floor. hahahahahahaa… it felt soooo good to lie down on the bathroom floor. and i got erickas approval for that =p apparently the 11 shots of tequila, 1 glass of red wine and 1 glass of beer started to kick in and chased away my sanity. ericka and i got totally wasted. we kept laughing and puking and talking. mba gina was pretty busy trying to get us up and go home. but it was mission impossible because we just didnt have the strength nor the willingness to get up =p then more people came. some just watched, others tried to help. even the GM came and had his men brought lime juice for us. hahahahahaaa… someone called a taxi and mba gina had ericka carried to the taxi. then me. it took 3 guys to carry me =p one of em said that i was heavy. i told em that i was only 60 kilos heavy. and he said "no way. youre at least 95." hahahahahahahaa… cute guy =p

long story short, ericka and i got to her place safely. thanks to mba gina. we crashed naked. twas the most peaceful sleep for me. ever. and in the morning, ericka and i got a new enemy, headache. whoa! twas an awesome awesome night.

i wanna give my shoutouts to mba gina who made everything fun and fun, and for supporting me. to ericka for showing me the funnes of getting drunk. cheers! and for the ice cream. to jamil for all the comedic wisdom and the "numpang nangis" times. to bee for showing me the ups and downs of life, and for being the best i ever had. even if you forget me in the future, aku sayang terusterus. to vertical horizon, linkin park, avril lavign, kelly clarkson, roxette, ungu, samsons, nidji, ada band and other artists for giving me the theme songs for my current condition and emotional state. last and not least, to… tequila! ngga kapok

[kle]

6 6 6
black wedding
black leather corset + long long black leather skirt
black knee-length stiletto leather boots
long straight silky jet-black hair all the way down to my bosom
black ice around my neck
metal on lower lip, nose bridge, tongue
vain, dead-white groom in a button-up high-collar black velvet coat
tight black leather pants
black knee-length leather boots with a series of buckles on the front
metal on nipples
black roses
black vines
black ribbons
black decorations
guests in black and black only
bats instead of doves
placebo, marylin, koil
black candles, black candles and more black candles

[kle]